An uphill battle that many couldn't climb. And it was put in front of you to test you for your resilience for your life to come, I sincerely hope the life you subsequently enjoy has been and is still stuffed full of good times, you deserve it without a doubt... ❤️ xxx
A powerful read for me! “This is an example of disconnection to the world around us. If you’ve watched Stranger Things on Netflix, it feels like being in the upside-down. Same place, different realities.”
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to read, and I’m glad that we were able to make a connection and it resonated. I hope you have an amazing day!
Congratulations, and God Bless you, Tess. You’ve come a long way, baby! The difference in your appearance is incredibly remarkable. In the first photo showing you in detox, I see someone whose inside hurts. Your second photo shows a happy and confident young lady reflecting her true heart and recovery.
All the people helping you through this hell, including yourself, are guardian angels. Stay beautiful and lovable! ✨🤗✨💖
OMG !!!! YOOOO happy 14 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whoa that is so cool! holy shit it's really rare to find someone that close to your clean date wow! congratulations!!!
Congratulations Tess, and thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm curious; from your own internal perspective, what was it about music and writing that made them such a motivating element to your will to live and recover? , and where did that come from? What inner need was served by it that even heroin addiction and the circumstances that led to it and derived from it couldn't satisfy or extinguish? What resources fed that flickering flame and kept it burning through the dark and the storms?
Much is said in recovery and mental health content and communities about the importance of "willpower" and motivation, about the necessity of a "big why" and faith in a vision of something "bigger than yourself" to focus on- and I've never seen or heard ANYONE adequately describe and explain what is meant by those words, what the experience of knowing those things feels and looks like, what inspiration brings them into existence and sustains them, where they can be found, what gives them value, what gives them power over pain and fear, and how they prompt action. In every source I have seen, this inner resource is presented as self-evident, as a given in a mathematical equation, and a prerequisite quality assumed to be present- is it not the apparent ABSENCE of this critical element that drives the psychology of withdrawal and addiction?
It would seem that most who contribute to the mental health/addiction conversation do so while standing on stable ground and describe a world above the water; only those who have been unceremoniously tossed into the deep can intimately know the experience of being in over their heads and learn to swim, or teach others. I have heard your story, have seen some of the fruits of your efforts and the successes of your struggles, and have celebrated and been inspired by them. I KNOW that you know your way around in the dark, and your words carry more weight than all the reams of papers generated by "professionals" looking in from the outside from the comfort of their posh offices. Fourteen years of sobriety is an excellent qualification to lead others through the depths of their own despair- are you ready to take the next step in your already amazing journey, to share even more fundamental truths that have kept you on your path? You have already proven your worth and your talent with your writing and music and sheer tenacity, and owe nothing to anyone but yourself- are you ready to go even deeper?
I've been preoccupied of late with my own struggles, trying to make sense of my own inner world and the madness of the outer one; but I couldn't let your 14th Rebirth-day pass without taking the time to celebrate it with you and offer a bit of a challenge to encourage you onward. Again, congratulations! , you deserve to be proud of yourself for all that you've accomplished. Keep those candles burning, for the rest of us to light our own from. Thanks for everything Tess, it matters, and so do you.
Thank you so much. You crossed my mind the other day actually. I'm really glad to be reading this right now. I'd love to catch up sometime soon. In regards to your question... yes its very easy to say these things.. I think the reason why it can't be adequately explained is because the power lies in the experience. And I do not think there are any words in english language that can translate those experiences. Maybe some writers can... I mean shit Hunter S Thompson was one of the greatest.. but even then... by how moving he was to make the hair on your skin stand up.. were we still feeling it like he did? I doubt it. But i'll try to answer your question anyway.
what made me cling to those things?
Something inside me that will not let go even when I try. It has annoyed me to no end. Ive tried quitting music and giving up and living a normal life (meaning not being a struggling artist and moving all across the country) and it does NOT work. It feels like DEATH. Music? Writing? It turns the souls lights on, it feels like LIFE. There was and is something in me that locked onto it and could NOT let it go, even when I wanted to. I cannot explain why. There's this strange relentless urge. at times if untempered its like a bloodlust, to excavate what is in my heart using the medium that sends me into another dimension when I connect with it (music) and the overall purpose is because... I feel like I HAVE to get the messages of my experiences OUT, or I am failing on my human mission/life. I cannot explain that either. It's just in there. Must help. Must connect. Must throw gasoline on the fire of the human spiritual revolution and subsequent freedom for all.
in the beginning I had no explanation for it at all, other than some little voice inside told me that I had to do it... especially because it scared the ever loving shit out of me. So I had to at least try... because it terrified me.
Funny thing? The thing I struggle with most about it is that same fear. It can keep you in freeze. Creative paralysis. Avoidance. To me this is my avoidance of myself. So if something is tied so closely to my innermost nature, and i have the tendency to avoid it through insane means at times.. then its also something that I need to face. IDK if any of that made sense, but it's just something I can't let go of. In my darker moments, when I've had a gun to my head and was ready to take myself out... it was THAT purpose and soul-urge that annoyingly kept me from pulling the trigger. That was the only thing that could breach the noise. I do believe we all have "that thing" and it's different for everyone, because I also believe every single human being has a gift that no one else can give, and that is why we are here. You are absolutely one of those people, that's undoubtable. But when it's us trying to understand it in ourselves, it's like walking blind through a labyrinth sometimes.
The question or matter of willpower when it comes to mental health and addiction I also believe is grossly abused. No one can will themselves out of active addiction. No one can WILL themselves out of a mental disorder, example being... tell someone in a manic episode who is bipolar to just "want to not be manic". Not going to happen and it'll just make them feel horrible about themselves. Same for those of us who deal with anything else that is all-consuming. The willpower is coupled with several other factors that I listed in there. But when someone is in the throws of it, whether it be active addiction or PTSD or something else, the only time willigness can come into play really is just the willingness to stay alive long enough for that "window" I mentioned to open, and then to dive like a demented circuis dog straight through that motherfucker. The willingness mostly applies to after you have already gotten sober though, and thats in reference to being willing to do the work to maintain ones sobriety, which is a totally different ballgame than trying to get help while in the throws of it. Sometimes we are way too burdened to even have access to our will. I have no idea how any of us survive that shit, somehow we have and do. All I know is that we have to have a willingness to be uncomfortable and fight for ourselves to the best of our abilities, the rest seems to work itself out in time. that also includes asking for help, which is stil very hard for me to do, i have to force myself to do it. that is willpower, but its not the "do it yourself" willpower, its the willingness to do something that you REALLLYYYYY do not want to do. when it comes to mental conditions like PTSD and other things, lord in my experience that is somewhat harder, thanks to our joke of a healthcare system. Sometimes it just looks like the willingness to keep seeking solutions until we find the one(s) that work for us, and in my experience, that took so many fucking years. I was in a psych ward when I had 7 years of sobriety. No relapses, totally sober, but complete mental breakdown due to trauma and not being able to get help for it for a very long time. Now it's 7 years past that.. and I'm still addressing healing trauma through different means. Hopefully this made sense lol. Big love to you my friend.
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing and being so honest. What a life lived! It’s good to process this information for ourselves and sharing our journey helps others. I recently talked about mine in my last post “Thankful for Selfhood.” When I read your story, understand your trials, will, determination, how you help others, and finally the steps you are taking now to completely be your parent (I know exactly what you mean there) and rely on yourself, then I see your picture today, one word comes to mind, “Queen.” Again, congratulations, much respect and best wishes for this new phase in your life.
that brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. it is one thing to process all this and share it, but to hear feedback from other people, especially something like that, I'm like holy shit. It just hits way differently I don't know how to explain it. I'm going to check out your Thankful for Selfhood post. Thank you.
OMG!! that is coming up!!!!! basically one more month! thank you for sharing that. I love meeting other people on this road. I know it's not january yet, but CONGRATU-FREAKIN-LATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is massive. MASSIVE.
I appreciate this so much and am so glad to have (virtually) met another "ex junkie" who is walking this road --- and also has MUSIC as one of our greatest tools! Please feel free to share your music or LMK where to find it, I'd love to listen. I look forward to reading your future substacks and I'm glad you found this. BTW what you said... "finding out that a lot of those years you hid from anyone that may try to rescue you." 🎯 💯 Yes.
An uphill battle that many couldn't climb. And it was put in front of you to test you for your resilience for your life to come, I sincerely hope the life you subsequently enjoy has been and is still stuffed full of good times, you deserve it without a doubt... ❤️ xxx
thank you so much for your beautiful words. So much love to you.
For some of us the road that to Heaven runs right through Hell. Who’d of thunk it. You are an inspiration to me- thank you.
Very much so. And thank you for this comment. God bless you and I hope you have a great day!
A powerful read for me! “This is an example of disconnection to the world around us. If you’ve watched Stranger Things on Netflix, it feels like being in the upside-down. Same place, different realities.”
That nailed it!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to read, and I’m glad that we were able to make a connection and it resonated. I hope you have an amazing day!
One day at a time, miracles upon miracles. Congratulations on your success and keep coming!!
Congratulations, and God Bless you, Tess. You’ve come a long way, baby! The difference in your appearance is incredibly remarkable. In the first photo showing you in detox, I see someone whose inside hurts. Your second photo shows a happy and confident young lady reflecting her true heart and recovery.
All the people helping you through this hell, including yourself, are guardian angels. Stay beautiful and lovable! ✨🤗✨💖
I appreciate you so much!!! thank you. I'm glad to have met you here on the substack world.
The same here! Gods force bringing everybody together! Have a very blessed magical day!✨🤗✨
Thank you for sharing this, and congratulations on your achievement. I‘m glad you made it!
Thank you!! 🙏 and thank you for reading!
congrats, lady 🥂you’re way better than that. stay golden 🫂
thank you friend!
Me too. November 23, 2009. A good start as they say ☺️
OMG !!!! YOOOO happy 14 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whoa that is so cool! holy shit it's really rare to find someone that close to your clean date wow! congratulations!!!
We’re litter mates 💪🏻❤️
Congratulations! Sending my love!! ❤️❤️❤️
so much love to you lady!!! thank you again so much for the read!!
❤️❤️❤️
Congratulations Tess, and thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm curious; from your own internal perspective, what was it about music and writing that made them such a motivating element to your will to live and recover? , and where did that come from? What inner need was served by it that even heroin addiction and the circumstances that led to it and derived from it couldn't satisfy or extinguish? What resources fed that flickering flame and kept it burning through the dark and the storms?
Much is said in recovery and mental health content and communities about the importance of "willpower" and motivation, about the necessity of a "big why" and faith in a vision of something "bigger than yourself" to focus on- and I've never seen or heard ANYONE adequately describe and explain what is meant by those words, what the experience of knowing those things feels and looks like, what inspiration brings them into existence and sustains them, where they can be found, what gives them value, what gives them power over pain and fear, and how they prompt action. In every source I have seen, this inner resource is presented as self-evident, as a given in a mathematical equation, and a prerequisite quality assumed to be present- is it not the apparent ABSENCE of this critical element that drives the psychology of withdrawal and addiction?
It would seem that most who contribute to the mental health/addiction conversation do so while standing on stable ground and describe a world above the water; only those who have been unceremoniously tossed into the deep can intimately know the experience of being in over their heads and learn to swim, or teach others. I have heard your story, have seen some of the fruits of your efforts and the successes of your struggles, and have celebrated and been inspired by them. I KNOW that you know your way around in the dark, and your words carry more weight than all the reams of papers generated by "professionals" looking in from the outside from the comfort of their posh offices. Fourteen years of sobriety is an excellent qualification to lead others through the depths of their own despair- are you ready to take the next step in your already amazing journey, to share even more fundamental truths that have kept you on your path? You have already proven your worth and your talent with your writing and music and sheer tenacity, and owe nothing to anyone but yourself- are you ready to go even deeper?
I've been preoccupied of late with my own struggles, trying to make sense of my own inner world and the madness of the outer one; but I couldn't let your 14th Rebirth-day pass without taking the time to celebrate it with you and offer a bit of a challenge to encourage you onward. Again, congratulations! , you deserve to be proud of yourself for all that you've accomplished. Keep those candles burning, for the rest of us to light our own from. Thanks for everything Tess, it matters, and so do you.
Thank you so much. You crossed my mind the other day actually. I'm really glad to be reading this right now. I'd love to catch up sometime soon. In regards to your question... yes its very easy to say these things.. I think the reason why it can't be adequately explained is because the power lies in the experience. And I do not think there are any words in english language that can translate those experiences. Maybe some writers can... I mean shit Hunter S Thompson was one of the greatest.. but even then... by how moving he was to make the hair on your skin stand up.. were we still feeling it like he did? I doubt it. But i'll try to answer your question anyway.
what made me cling to those things?
Something inside me that will not let go even when I try. It has annoyed me to no end. Ive tried quitting music and giving up and living a normal life (meaning not being a struggling artist and moving all across the country) and it does NOT work. It feels like DEATH. Music? Writing? It turns the souls lights on, it feels like LIFE. There was and is something in me that locked onto it and could NOT let it go, even when I wanted to. I cannot explain why. There's this strange relentless urge. at times if untempered its like a bloodlust, to excavate what is in my heart using the medium that sends me into another dimension when I connect with it (music) and the overall purpose is because... I feel like I HAVE to get the messages of my experiences OUT, or I am failing on my human mission/life. I cannot explain that either. It's just in there. Must help. Must connect. Must throw gasoline on the fire of the human spiritual revolution and subsequent freedom for all.
in the beginning I had no explanation for it at all, other than some little voice inside told me that I had to do it... especially because it scared the ever loving shit out of me. So I had to at least try... because it terrified me.
Funny thing? The thing I struggle with most about it is that same fear. It can keep you in freeze. Creative paralysis. Avoidance. To me this is my avoidance of myself. So if something is tied so closely to my innermost nature, and i have the tendency to avoid it through insane means at times.. then its also something that I need to face. IDK if any of that made sense, but it's just something I can't let go of. In my darker moments, when I've had a gun to my head and was ready to take myself out... it was THAT purpose and soul-urge that annoyingly kept me from pulling the trigger. That was the only thing that could breach the noise. I do believe we all have "that thing" and it's different for everyone, because I also believe every single human being has a gift that no one else can give, and that is why we are here. You are absolutely one of those people, that's undoubtable. But when it's us trying to understand it in ourselves, it's like walking blind through a labyrinth sometimes.
The question or matter of willpower when it comes to mental health and addiction I also believe is grossly abused. No one can will themselves out of active addiction. No one can WILL themselves out of a mental disorder, example being... tell someone in a manic episode who is bipolar to just "want to not be manic". Not going to happen and it'll just make them feel horrible about themselves. Same for those of us who deal with anything else that is all-consuming. The willpower is coupled with several other factors that I listed in there. But when someone is in the throws of it, whether it be active addiction or PTSD or something else, the only time willigness can come into play really is just the willingness to stay alive long enough for that "window" I mentioned to open, and then to dive like a demented circuis dog straight through that motherfucker. The willingness mostly applies to after you have already gotten sober though, and thats in reference to being willing to do the work to maintain ones sobriety, which is a totally different ballgame than trying to get help while in the throws of it. Sometimes we are way too burdened to even have access to our will. I have no idea how any of us survive that shit, somehow we have and do. All I know is that we have to have a willingness to be uncomfortable and fight for ourselves to the best of our abilities, the rest seems to work itself out in time. that also includes asking for help, which is stil very hard for me to do, i have to force myself to do it. that is willpower, but its not the "do it yourself" willpower, its the willingness to do something that you REALLLYYYYY do not want to do. when it comes to mental conditions like PTSD and other things, lord in my experience that is somewhat harder, thanks to our joke of a healthcare system. Sometimes it just looks like the willingness to keep seeking solutions until we find the one(s) that work for us, and in my experience, that took so many fucking years. I was in a psych ward when I had 7 years of sobriety. No relapses, totally sober, but complete mental breakdown due to trauma and not being able to get help for it for a very long time. Now it's 7 years past that.. and I'm still addressing healing trauma through different means. Hopefully this made sense lol. Big love to you my friend.
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing and being so honest. What a life lived! It’s good to process this information for ourselves and sharing our journey helps others. I recently talked about mine in my last post “Thankful for Selfhood.” When I read your story, understand your trials, will, determination, how you help others, and finally the steps you are taking now to completely be your parent (I know exactly what you mean there) and rely on yourself, then I see your picture today, one word comes to mind, “Queen.” Again, congratulations, much respect and best wishes for this new phase in your life.
that brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. it is one thing to process all this and share it, but to hear feedback from other people, especially something like that, I'm like holy shit. It just hits way differently I don't know how to explain it. I'm going to check out your Thankful for Selfhood post. Thank you.
Congratulations!! 14 years is amazing! I myself am working daily towards 10 years in January. I appreciate you sharing this!
OMG!! that is coming up!!!!! basically one more month! thank you for sharing that. I love meeting other people on this road. I know it's not january yet, but CONGRATU-FREAKIN-LATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is massive. MASSIVE.
Thank you!
I appreciate this so much and am so glad to have (virtually) met another "ex junkie" who is walking this road --- and also has MUSIC as one of our greatest tools! Please feel free to share your music or LMK where to find it, I'd love to listen. I look forward to reading your future substacks and I'm glad you found this. BTW what you said... "finding out that a lot of those years you hid from anyone that may try to rescue you." 🎯 💯 Yes.
Yo thank you! I appreciate that! 🙌🙏🙌