I burst into tears in a moment of nothing less than divine timing when I read this:
There’s a reason for that. I’ll try to be brief.
Countless of readers and writers on substack have cultivated a community where dialogue is authentic, poetic, deep, vulnerable, and honest. It is a true testament to the fact that humanity is FAR from doomed.
Look in the comments sections of articles like this for evidence, but if you’ve spent any time on here, you’re already aware:
So, why was that the final message I needed to hear before I broke down in tears and made a decision that altered the course of my destiny, or rather, aligned me with it?
I knew a call was coming in. I knew it would be a difficult one. Situations are complicated, emotions were all over the place, and I knew I had to cease contact with someone that I’ve already cut it with before. The back and forth of karmic soul ties are messy.
From the viewpoint of an observer, it may seem like common sense, but it’s karmic for those involved for a reason - there’s no conscious common sense to us at all.
We have to find something in our souls to set us free from the unhealed parts of us the dynamic exposed.
This is for our accelerated evolution on a soul level, but they often burn the worst, and are very hard to break free from. Hence the term, soul tie.
I couldn’t figure out why I was so afraid. I couldn’t figure out WHY I was allowing the same shit back into my life — but I did know for certain that it could not come with me. Things need time to breathe and when things like apologies or amends-making come too soon, they often cause more harm than good.
We all need time to grow into our own skins, as a friend told me tonight.
If you’re in recovery, you get this. The 9th step (Made amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others) is 9th for a reason. It is certainly not first, second, third or fourth. A lot of excavating must be done before you try to clean up the wreckage of the past, otherwise how do you really know what you’re cleaning up?
We often come in completely delusional as to the true scale of how we affect other people, and how we even treat ourselves.
I do believe in forgiveness and I do believe in love. I also believe in redemption, for I have been redeemed and reborn multiple times in this life. I do know for a fact that human beings can transform to an unrecognizable state (to the good).
However, it is not wise to interfere with that metamorphosis, and it’s also not wise to wait around on it.
We’re in serious trouble when we are more concerned with the life of another than the welfare of our own souls. Especially when this concern for the other causes damage to us. That’s when it’s time to tap out and as someone also said to me tonight (Demi from
), “chuck that shit into the aether” - sometimes we have no choice other than to trust in the unknown.Human interference often fucks up the natural order of things.
So…
I read that comment. There were several, but that one did me in. That comment from
, along with several other messages from so many of you I couldn’t tag you all, held a mirror up to me - and in times where we feel demoralized and start to lose grasp on our own energy, that is the greatest gift one can provide.It reminded me of why I’m here. It reminded me of my worth. It’s so easy to slip into darkness, wanting so badly to help humanity but struggling to even help yourself.
It’s easy to lose touch of the infinite within us, pulled in a thousand directions by the signal jamming of the false world.
I was waiting on the call to tell this individual I could not speak to them anymore. I was nervous. Then I read that comment. I burst into tears, and maybe three seconds later, the phone rang. It was that person.
Somehow in that three seconds, I remembered who I was and that I did have value. Why would I allow anything in my life that tore me down? I know I’ve written about this before, it is one of the hardest things for me, an achilles heel so to speak.
I only had about three minutes on the call. I was able to speak directly from my heart and directly from truth, free from the filters of fear, anger, hurt, or confusion. It was purity, because I had been given a dose of clarity just seconds before.
Who knows how I would have handled that had I not had that instantaneous remembrance and reminder.
I can tell you from past experience it could have gone a thousand different which ways, only muddying the simple truth and causing more chaos and confusion.
The truth simply is…
I cannot pretend something is any different than it is in this moment. I cannot pretend any person is someone who they are presently not, regardless of potential or efforts. I have to operate with what is real right now, not what could be.
These truths are often heartbreaking, but they are liberating as well. I released the article on Moksha, liberation last night. I hope some of you are able to enjoy and gain something from that. That process and what came up for me is directly tied to this phone call and experience I’m telling you about now.
I have to trust in the unknown. I have to move forward and listen to my body. When it gets disrrupted and flies into a trauma response, panic attacks return and I can’t sleep anymore, whereas prior I was doing fine, that’s a signal to not only the unhealed parts of me, but it’s also a hard signal to disengage immediately.
It’s been a journey healing from this situation I’ve spoken about here before, but it hasn’t even been that long. I’ve only been physically separated from it for about three months, but it’s come back on and off in that time, just not in physical proximity.
If I simply speak for myself, that is not enough time for me to heal or even process all of what happened, and if I’m in such a hairpin triggered state around what I’ve gone through, I cannot re-engage with somebody who was directly involved with that, regardless of intentions.
So it is a new year. It is not one to play with either. It is not one to bring old cycles into. I am no longer willing to block blessings or destiny, nor am I willing to snuff out the voice of my soul.
I am not willing to be a distraction or impede on anyone else’s transformation journey either. It is a journey each of us must take alone, and even if we meet people along the way who help us, it’s usually not the ones who helped us dive further into the spiral of doom in the first place.
Breathing room is needed, for several reasons.
I don’t know if you relate, but human beings are reading this (thank God this AI shit hasn’t gone that far yet to where all conversations are fake- at present day at least) so if you do relate and feel like sharing, I encourage this so much.
I am grateful to everyone here for this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people comment on how the comment section in some of these articles is as valuable to them as the article itself. That’s because of YOU.
You, the readers and writers here, sharing your own authentic experience and exchanging with each other. That inspires the fuck out of people and it shatters the illusion of separateness… because we are all able to recognize ourselves in one another.
Every time you share who you are, you may very well be saving a life, or at very least, empowering them to handle a difficult situation in a way that doesn’t cause more damage, leaving them with a feeling that they could finally sleep at night. So thank you.
I'm glad my humble words moved you and were a source of comfort. To be quite honest, I've long struggled with depression and despair, and anger (all French struggle in some capacity with la rage Celtique), but your struggle with addiction was honestly one that made me think and filled me with sympathy.
I think you've already overcome so very much, you've already conquered a whole slew of darkness I could not imagine. It is for that reason I say this Testamonia, keep conquering, keep fighting. We of Celtic descent (the French, Irish & Scottish) believe that all life is a battle. An endless war to find our place and to aid our brothers and sisters and to achieve some glory for God. You have a purpose, you have a reason for being here and you will and already have achieved great things. Keep going, keep triumphing, you've made a difference.
Phew.... that is as if I’m looking back and see a churning sea with large rollers and a loud murmur of the surf like voices from the past. I’ll need to look into your messages taking more time.
Unfortunately, yoga is not for me, but meditation yes.
Thank you for that nudge 🩷