In Memory of Naomi

here's to a friend I knew for many years, who has now crossed to the other side of the veil:

The beautiful Naomi. May the refuge that your spirit was to so many of your friends and loves in this life be returned to you a thousandfold in your next life.

I met Naomi in 2005 or 2006. Those years were a blur to me… but I remember Naomi.

Naomi knew me when I was a drug addicted mess. She also knew me well into sobriety. It wasn’t so long ago when I’d show up and greet her in our abnormal weird way, because everything could be made into something hilarious with Naomi, all the time. Often I’d see her face and just start laughing because we knew we were about to get weird.

I’d call her Noam Chomsky before I even knew who the fuck Noam Chomsky was. I just heard the name somewhere, then walked in and saw Naomi, and she was then referred to as Noams, Noam Chomsky, and a host of ever-increasingly weird shit.

I laughed a lot with Naomi.

I came home from work today to briefly drop some food off at my apartment before I headed out to a meeting. I had less than 20 minutes.

Then, I looked at my fkng phone.

There, was the news.

Another one of our mutual friends from back home was grieving about her passing on Facebook. So, that’s how I found out.

….no fucking way.

I immediately thought of Dylans mother, Barb. She knew Naomi just as long as I did. We all met back in the day because we all worked at El Torito. The town we come from is not that big, and those that come up in the restaurant / bar industry from an early age… shiiiit you ALL know each other.

But Naomi though, we started together. At age 16.

The last legit restaurant job I had in Oregon was also with her, when I was in my late 20s.

I thought Dylans mom would have more information, being that she still lives in Oregon, and I’m nearly 3000 miles away, and have been for the last 2+ years.

For those new to this Substack, Dylan was my former fiance, first love, someone I have written extensively about, played a tremendous role in my life, who also passed away a few years back. His life and death taught me more about love and the meaning of life than any other singular event has. The ripple effects continue.

His mother was like a mom to me from an early age, so this is why she was called, this is why she is referenced here. She knew us all when we were so young.

At first, like a dumbass, I just sent a text.

It said, “Dude….Naomi Rhoads?”

Then I thought to myself, why the hell would you send that in a text?

So I immediately called her.

In the two seconds it took to send that text, then call her, she’d seen the text.

She answered. And no, she did not yet know about Naomi’s passing.

She said something to the effect of… I saw that text…is that what I think?

She has been through a great deal of death. As have I. And we have shared a lot of the grief journey together. So, neither one of us is… I guess, unprepared for more news of it. I have no idea if that makes sense. It’s almost like part of you is always in a way, braced for it.

It spawned a conversation that would last hours, which is not abnormal for her and I. She shared a great deal of wisdom, but I won’t go into that here, I will just say that Naomi had enough of an affect on us both, in life and in death, to make us dive into a conversation where we could effectively stare into the abyss of life, love, grief, journeys, choices, memories, the interconnectedness of all things, and hours later end the call with I love you, talk to you soon.

We’re all breathing life into each other. In some form or fashion.

NAOMI -

I knew her 18 or 19 years. I just turned 35, I met her when I was 16.

In all those years, Naomi NEVER spoke an unkind or disrespectful or angry word toward me. Never. That is an unbelievable feat, to finish the cycle of this incarnation and have people you leave in your wake that can truly say that about you.

This I say to be true about Naomi.

More than that:

Naomi was fucking hilarious. I laughed SO MUCH with Naomi. She also had this presence about her… you KNEW you were safe and free to be yourself in her energy. It was the truth.

Something in us just KNOWS this about certain people. Certain people are just safe. Their presence, their energy, no matter what is going on, even if both of you are in a shitty mood, you will both naturally find a way to make it more than bearable together, because you’re going to be laughing at yourselves, cracking jokes and likely getting into mild levels of mischievousness to entertain yourselves.

By this, I mean ordering food through the POS system during a dinner rush, which you’re not supposed to do as a server, kitchen doesn’t appreciate it either, so you assign it a table number that no one is at, then beat the expo/food runners to it and run it yourself so they don’t know you faked out the kitchen because you wanted to capitalize on discounted happy hour nachos, then take it to a back room where there are none of those awful customers, other servers low-key follow suit, and y’all have a small buffet and give zero fucks about what else is going on.

That type of mischief. Then just don’t get caught. And repeat this consistently.

I’d say that’s an extremely innocent type of mischievousness, but we did think it was hilarious. We also got to eat really good food. I think it tasted better because we were not supposed to be eating it.

No matter what she was going through… she somehow never took it out on the people around her. I personally never saw it. She was somehow, always, through all those years, the safe, the steady, the gentle, the kind, the hilarious, the warm, the wonderful. That’s how her presence felt. It was ALWAYS a good day if Naomi was going to be there, this much I can tell you.

When we pass from one world into the next, let this be a reminder of what has been said here before:

When we die, and we all will, every single pair of eyes reading this, and the two hands typing this, we’re all gonna die, and we get NO warnings. You have no idea how much time you have left, I have no idea how much time I have left. And when we do:

The legacy we leave behind is in the way we made other people feel. The energy we see in our minds eye when we recall the one who has crossed into the next realm, it is that. That is how we are always remembered.

It is sad, it is strange, how many are gone now.

But…maybe they’re being called too. And they have to answer their call in a different way. I don’t know.

A lot more could be said about her. Nothing bad at all, but some things I don’t think are appropriate to share publicly or in a context where I’m not talking with others who knew her.

I know she was strong. I know she was aiming at new horizons. I know she had a lot of people who loved her beyond words.

I’m glad I knew her in this life. I remember us laughing as adults. I remember us laughing as teenagers. I remember how effortless it was to just be yourself in her presence.

It’s a good reminder to slow down and really appreciate everyone in your life… and check in on the ones you haven’t spoken to in a while. None of us know when our time is up, but nearly all of us assume we have more of it than we actually do.

Remember this.

May the spirit of Naomi Rhoads experience, feel, remember and have everything it has ever wanted and needed. Especially the things it deserved but didn’t find in the earthly realm.