Have You Ever Wished?

Poetry for the Instrument, Disciple, Soldier:

Have you ever had a greatest wish? 
Has your greatest wish ever been, 
To be used as an Instrument of Love, 
A Disciple of Love,
A Soldier of Love, 

To be used as a vessel of infinite radiating Love, to do the will of Love, to be so filled with Love that you can share with all beings? All of Humanity? 

Thousands upon thousands upon thousands, Remembering, walls down, Remembering, Healing, 
have you ever wished to be used for this purpose?

If I could have one Wish, 
One Prayer, 
And I can and do, 
It is this. 

To be a Mother of Love, infinitely bearing fruit until I leave this realm, 
and even when I leave this realm, 
May I still be used always in the Force of Love, always an Agent of Love, always a Spirit of Love, 

Always.

Suffering, there is so much of it.
On others, I have inflicted it much, 
On myself, I have inflicted it most.
 
I rebuke and dismiss shame because, 
To make myself an open vessel for the Force of Love, 
and to radiate that Love throughout the cosmic web connecting all, 
Loudly reverberating throughout the Bliss Void Indivisible, 
I was once told, 
There is no room for your baggage, 
Where you are trying to go.

Where you are trying to go,
You can only go alone…
You cannot take them with you. 

The anger, shame, resentment, guilt, fear, 
You cannot take them with you. 
You must enter the Void alone…

For days, I sat in meditation, fighting flashbacks of trauma and rage, trying to break through the threshold, and I did not know why I could not break through, 
but still, in the stillness, I continued,

And on the final day, a memory of agony that wouldn’t let me sleep came to me, 
And instead of pushing, fighting, dismissing, 
I paused and witnessed — 
I stood still in front of the image.

And somehow, some way, for some reason, 
I realized I would not be where I am today, 
had I not gone through that torture, 
that shattering hell.

I saw it had purpose, 
Completely necessary for my own evolution, 
Completely necessary for the real me to live,
and the falsehoods I mistook as me to die.

The thoughts, habits, behaviors, beliefs
that made me a prisoner, 
they needed to burn to the ground, 
so I could leave the prison cell I once called 
"My-self."

Because of this shattering, 
my capacity to Love was deepened. 
One thing I will never do again in this life,
is shut my heart down. 
I will never harden my heart again. 

And because of the pain that wouldn’t let me sleep at night, 
or focus during the day, 
fantasizing about my gun to my head, over and over again, 
because it was the only relief my mind at that time could conceive, 

Because of this exact predicament, 
I was reborn.
Or rather, 

I was Remembered. 

I came home to the thing I had been hiding my entire life, 
My Softness, my Heart, my Love, my Self. 

I was too afraid to let anyone know this existed, 
I thought it made me weak.

I thought surely, I would be killed, or taken advantage of endlessly, if anyone knew this about me, 

How deeply I love, how deeply I feel, how deeply I care.

I never let anyone see it, never.
And suddenly I realized,
The thing I hid behind so many masks to seem strong, 
Was actually the greatest strength of all. 

The furthest thing from weak. 

I saw all of this in a matter of what may have been two seconds, 
A lifetime of toxic conditioning began to die,
And instinctively, surprisingly, 
I blessed the memory.

I then watched it get sucked out of my psyche as if God was pulling back a curtain that had been long blinding me.

As soon as I blessed it, the pain left me. 

Have you ever fought a war of isolation, death, rage, while simultaneously trying to stay alive, 
not knowing which master you serve, because your heart, mind and body all went separate ways? 

Now, 
I am still and I sing my devotion and it is heard. 
Now, all I ask from The Great Love, 
is to be an Instrument, a Disciple, a Soldier, a Mother, 
of Love,

To emanate Love everywhere, 
to share it everywhere.

Lord knows what a wasteland things have become for us humans….
Let Love, The Great Love, be the rain in which the dried wastelands of our mistakes, fears and sufferings are rejuvenated by, 
And let new things, 
Rooted in Love, 

Grow. 

May all falsehoods burn away, 
May only what is real remain.
Let Love 
rule the day. 

May we be rooted only in what is Home. 

May we walk each other there, 
Or, 
May we build it here. 

Have you ever felt the same way?

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