explosives

disclaimer to the sensitive types - this is not "love and light" poetry:

i am the walking landmine that “shouldn’t be” 
aren’t i supposed to be 
better now? 

rage for things i can’t express 
the ears of the world are deaf and 
its nerves numb now 

I took the plunge into the abyss, 
you’re welcome for not adding to your collateral damage, 
because you would have buried me 
by now.

but isn’t it funny, as they look at you, 
in the eye of the storm in which they all fall down, 
and wonder, 
what your problem must be? 

i bet if she just closed her eyes 
she’d stop feeling 
and would be 
better now 

i am explosive. 
i try to restrict 
the amount of shrapnel i let loose 
before i make it one hour into the morning 

somehow when it comes time to arrive 
i am paralyzed 
and somehow when it comes time to be the oil in the machine 
i am landmines

i react like a pavlovian dog to the venom and incompetence i perceive 
i laugh at the charlatans who seem to have everyone fooled but the 
silent minority 

i wonder why everyone is always complaining or selling things 
i wonder why you build such a facade in the digital world 
but when i see you in real life 
i see nothing 

is there a fucking ounce of original thought?
or because, we have not arrested our own programs, 
are those of us who claim to be exiting the system, 
just creating the same thing, 
adjacently?

at some point you have to walk among the trees
sip your coffee
pray and 
listen to the orchestra of nature 
surrender myself to a system of greater wisdom so i can 
quiet the dumpster fire knife party that is my 
thoughts and feelings 

i do feel explosive today 
i felt this way yesterday 
surface level stressors are only triggers to something deeper and 
my behavior bothers me - 
i don’t want to react this way 

i don’t want to be the angry person that scares people away 
and you probably shouldn’t tell the CEO 
to go fuck themselves 
but…
“at the end of the day..”

why am i so explosive? why am i so angry? 
i sensed the truth a long time ago 
how so much of what i thought was real was an illusion 
i’m not talking about the obvious - the so called matrix - 
what a cheap and easy target. 

cowardice, so many of us “truth seekers” are guilty of. 
no shit. 
do we understand it is only a reflection of our insides and, 
a play on our under-developed character and instincts?

that’s why we are so easy to trap in the consensual open air prisons they build around us - 
we’ve already enslaved ourselves. 

we ask for it constantly with this artificial womb nanny state we’ve demanded, 
and so they create. 
all the worlds a stage, 
and the audience is so dumb they don’t know they’re in control of each take. 

i am talking about…
the illusion of 
anything 
you thought was love 
when coming from a human
was genuine

they don’t care when people die 
they are subhuman now. 
they make jokes about it. they feel nothing. 
nothing except MAYBE if it happens to them. 

good luck when it's your turn to be disembodied, 
will your “people” pray for you? 
will they help guide you along that journey? 
or will you be stuck here as an earth walker, forever thirsty, 
but no physical body to satisfy the calling of 
the instincts and senses that your etheric body still feels, 
like phantom limbs you cannot shed? 

will they help you through that process?
or will they just continue to 
scroll instagram
and forget?

at the end of the day..
you get what you give. 

some shit like that. 

For it will have become evident to you that real oppression comes, not from people who fight you in court or from authority that subjects you to slave labor, but from your computer whose programming destroys your peace of mind the moment outside circumstances fail to conform to its demands.

-Anthony De Mello, The Way To Love