Untitled Poem (Knife Party Kaleidoscope?)

Broken Open meets MK Ultra with a Truth - Wisdom - Love Resolve:

This was written today and for now, remains untitled. See author’s note at the bottom for context and for a shout out to a local poet(s) that inspired this piece today:

MK Ultra overdose with a diagnose of 
Stockholm syndrome 
deception is not a novelty 
but never did i know 
it could intoxicate me 
like a bad acid trip mixed with GHB 

it's been almost a year since I made my escape
and I'm still coming down from the effects

every morning I wake up a veteran of etheric wars 
but my deployment never ends 
as long as my body needs sleep 

I don't remember the nightmares anymore 
I just feel the 
sludge of subconscious molasses 
and rage I cant explain 
each time I awake
it takes hours to readjust 
to a new day..

But, I regret nothing.

I needed that MK Ultra stockholm syndrome knife party kaleidoscope 
as a cataclysm to change 
the irony of being a writer yet letting the machine and its embodiments 
write my narrative for me

No More Hiding 

I needed this 
and every other trip to hell beforehand 
to break the paralysis of my 
self imposed prison 
where i was both 
CO, inmate and warden 

i thought i kept myself safe 
in welding myself beneath the armor of, 
"never will I let you see my heart or face" 

because when you stand as you are 
and resemble nothing of the status quo 
every breath you take is blasphemy to the 
conveyor belt cult,
funny how the arrows of 
"stay in your place"
come not from strangers,
but ones you thought loved you most 

but the time came, in recovery, 
where i had to drop my guard to survive. 
i went to remove my chest plate, 
and realized it was,
rusted in place..

so being broken over and over and over
was a blessing only disguised as a curse, 
it wasn't so i would break down, 
it was so i could be 
broken open

And Now, 

Now, I live for my Soul 
and its mission, 
Now, 
I live for the assignment the Great Indescribable Force we call God 
designed me in this incarnation for 

AND WE ALL HAVE ONE.

what we've been through was never meant to be buried 
when pain is shared, love is born, 
and no matter who you are or what you've done 
no matter what you believe or where you come from, 
i think we can all agree 
that LOVE, 
is something this realm and its beings, 
are crying out for, 
and need more of. 

when pain is traveled, we are transformed.
150 million degrees of heat and 
725,000 lbs of pressure, 
it is this and nothing less that a diamond requests 
in order to be formed. 

so don't sweep your mess under the rug 
gather your ashes and put them to the test 
we are all alchemists 

it's terrifying to be seen but my spirit has been furious with me 
that i have suffocated and kept prisoner 
instead of 
letting it speak 

I have seen my comrades die all around me 
I have been to the cosmic waiting room, 
the space between spaces, 
I have tried to self-terminate and escape, 
numb, steal, kill, destroy, like a nightmare slideshow 
and to this i say, 
no more 

And also I say, 
let me take off this mask we call "survival mode"
and speak: 

the voice of resurrection, Love, 
because without Love we are living dead, 
and the voices of my loved ones, 
loving me from the etheric, 
would like a word: 

We Do Recover
from heroin, fentanyl, alcohol, PTSD, 
and the lifestyles that wind up in 
life or death sentences, 
yes, 
We Do Recover 
and it is not meant to be forgotten, 
but remembered

because when we choose the river, 
pain 
over the comfort of familiar, 
suffering, 
we go somewhere,
Delivered.

the ego fights the currents
for the single fact that it is unfamiliar.
it can't go anywhere it can't predict, 
meaning, the false security of 
control's illusion.

therefore, the unknown is the liberator 
from a self imposed prisons stronghold.

no, it's not easy, 
yes, you will be terrified, 
but nothing on the other side 
is any worse than what you've 
already survived..
on the contrary, it's the opposite.

the antidote to things like 
suicidality and addiction is 
Connection 
to ourselves, to each other, to the Greater Spirit, 
ALL is the encompassed..

Truth, Wisdom, Love, 
are not esoteric. 
it is just something we forget 
on amnesia planet

we already are what we are looking for 
its just a game of shedding layers
burning and pressurizing all we thought we were, 
but are not, 
all we thought was true, 
but is not, 
until we are left with
The Real.

The part of You and I that 
doesn't die.

I'm just a fellow traveler. 
at the end of the day, 
we are all just, 
walking each other home. 

-Tesstamona 7.17.2024

AUTHORS NOTE:

A local Tampa Bay poet who runs a show (PoetVsPoet) sent me a video of a few poets she had on. One of the poets, who goes by the name of Oshii, read her piece on betrayal and transformation. I had chills immediately - I understood every word to my core, and though I do not know her, I rushed to my notebook to capture the words that started running through my head as the illustrations of her words began to pull up not-so-distant memories of my own.

Then the lyrics turned into whatever it is now — clearly I had to get that out. That’s the magic of what happens when we share our art - we set off other people’s spirits even if we don’t know them. That’s how this poem came to exist today, born from an “oh shit me too” reaction from someone sharing their story. The video I saw can be found at this link, and the instagram handles of the three poets are in the video description. Also shout out to Ropunzell the Poet for creating and producing Poet Vs Poet - you can find her on YouTube and Instagram.

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