Transforming Trauma

A strange story of survival - plus resources.

The above image is the cover art for my new song, “Everyones Favorite” (Everyones Favorite Piece of Trash was the original title) which comes out June 16th. If you’re on social media, you’ve seen me return, and you’ve seen me mostly post about mental health, recovery, and suicide awareness. I want to share the behind the scenes story of this song, because I literally made it as an alternative to suicide. That photo you are seeing was a reenactment myself and a local photographer created to help tell the story.

I am including mental health resources that have worked for me in this entry. I do believe in the alchemy of rebirth, and I am very well aware that death is only physical to us ONE time… but we experience it, if we’re lucky, hundreds of times, if not more, in our lives. These deaths are evolutions, deaths of old ways of being, thinking and feeling. Let’s just get right into it.

First off, if you prefer audio, or video, here’s a ten minute breakdown of the real story behind this song, plus a little extra on why I even do any of this in the first place. All ties in to what we’re discussing here. Click on the photo to be taken to the youtube video.

To make things a little weirder, here’s something I found when I was doing research on statistics in this country. Do with this what you will. With this video, you’ll need to click here to see what the CDC is doing to literally NORMALIZE through the roof suicide rates in this country.

When I say through the roof… I continued my research and found that for kids/teenagers in the united states, the second leading cause of death was suicide. The age group with the highest numbers of suicide out of ANY age? Age 10 through 14. I’ll let you do your own research if you want to see those numbers, I want to move into the solution and it honestly makes my stomach turn.

*Ironically, no data is found beyond the year 2021. I wonder why. Anyways:

How To Alchemize Trauma/PTSD

I do not want to be careless about this topic. I’ve been in therapy for PTSD / CPTSD whatever you want to call it for over a decade. I’ve also been sober for over 13 years, and I still deal with this stuff. Before I show you the video and tell you anything about music, let me share resources that have worked for me in dealing with trauma and suicidal ideation: 

-A legit trauma informed therapist who uses EMDR to process trauma. Talk therapy has NEVER worked for me. EMDR is, thus far, the best way to treat trauma in the context of western psychology, for whatever thats worth. However it has done wonders for me, I doubt I’d be alive had I not started EMDR. 

-A support group. There have been times when I had no one in my life I could talk to or trust though, and when that happens…

-A connection to my Higher Self / a Higher Power or “God” If you will. Everyone has different beliefs, and I’m not telling anyone to do anything, I realize this can be a touchy subject. However, for me, having a connection with a higher power / Creator of the Universe has saved my life. I have also seen plain as day evidence of this power working in my life when nothing else could. I do not know what to call it or how to describe it, but I know that this simulation we all exist in and perceive with our own two eyes is NOT all there is. I think it’s more of a delusion or dream than it is reality sometimes. But that’s a topic for another time. 

-I want to mention plant medicine here. I haven’t personally taken psychedelics since I have been sober, but I know a LOT of people who have used different forms of plant medicines in guided or ceremonial settings and had tremendous results because of this. I will never knock it and I highly encourage it IF it feels right to the person, and IF it is done in a controlled/safe setting with a guide. I do not suggest anyone experiencing PTSD eat a bunch of acid alone in their house. These things are meant to be medicinal and intentional if being used for the purpose of healing and treating trauma, thats just my opinion and that is what I have seen work in other people. 

-It’s easy to not pay attention to how we are taking care of ourselves (if at all) because of how fast life moves, and the constant demands that come with it. It is a thousand times easier to do this work when we make sure we get adequate sleep (meaning 7-8 hours a night, no less than 6) eating regularly and eating HEALTHY food, cutting out all processed bullshit, drinking a lot of water, going outside and getting fresh air, letting the rays of the sun hit your skin because that releases serotonin and dopamine into your body, even things like taking cold showers in the morning will release dopamine throughout the day. The way I can get off the rails if any of this falls by the wayside is unbelievable. It happens fast. Oh yeah, exercise too. We are meant to sweat and move our bodies and MOVE the stagnant energy. Depression in many ways is a buildup of stagnant energy, that’s why it feels like we weigh 1000 pounds and getting out of bed feels impossible. 

-Some people go the route of medication. For some people, it works. For others, it makes it worse. I will NEVER suggest this to anyone, but I also don’t discourage it either. I’ll share a brief experience: there was a time in my life where going on psychiatric medication DID save my life. However, after some time on these medications, I noticed side effects that were actually becoming more detrimental to my life, so I had to get off of the medication. Psych med withdrawals are no joke, and most prescribers have little to no training on how to properly taper patients off of these drugs. They are only taught how to get you on them, not how to get you off of them. If you go this route to treat acute symptoms so you can do the other things like therapy, exercise, find community, get a routine, etc, then great, do that. Just know that if you ever decide to come off of them, go VERY slowly and LISTEN to your body over anyone else’s opinion. Always listen to your body and be gentle with yourself. The route of psychiatric medication is very much a double edged sword, and everyone has a different experience. 

-PURPOSE: this is huge. How has what we have been through making us uniquely qualified to be OF SERVICE to someone else? When pain is shared, love is born. When testimonials of survival and triumph and struggle and perseverance are shared, other people can be brought back from the brink of suicidal thoughts as well, because when they see themselves in you, they find hope, and thats all you need to keep on living another day. We all have a purpose. Nothing in nature serves no purpose. If you don’t know yours, find it. For me, it comes in many forms, but being creative and sharing my experiences and connecting with others, especially in the context of music, is a massive part of that. 

-Acts of service: I’ve gotten to do a lot of this in recovery, being of service to other people gets you out of your own head and shows you a side of yourself you likely didn’t know was in there. I can’t explain the magic of being of service, but before I started doing service work in my community, I was unable to even maintain friendships because of how bad my trust issues were. When I started being of service (first place was bringing 12 step meetings into a women and childrens inpatient treatment center) I finally became what they call “a friend among friends” or “a sister among sisters”, as opposed to constantly making myself the outlier and being paranoid of everybody’s intentions and motives. A huge shift happened when I did this. 

-Have at least one person on the planet that you are completely honest and transparent with. 

-NATURE. Unplugging from the machine, from the phones, from the algorithms, getting away from the bullshit in the cities, the noise, the pollution in every element, everyones out of whack energy… just get the fuck away. I find great peace at waterfalls, in the woods, on hikes, on mountains, or near the ocean. Get outside as much as you possibly can, even if you don’t feel like you can leave the house. 

-This is a personal thing and might not work for everyone. However, this practice has changed my life, and it also enabled me to get off of the psych meds I was on a few years ago with almost no noticeable withdrawal symptoms (disclaimer: I never came off of anything cold turkey, tapering is still required.) What is this practice? Kundalini Yoga. This is not western yoga. This is an ancient Vedic/Eastern practice that has been hidden for thousands of years until recently. If you are interested in trying out Kundalini Yoga, you don’t even have to go to a class in person if you don’t want to. I would recommend the Life Force Academy or RAMA Yoga Institute - as they have an online archive of classes for all different purposes as well as livestream classes, so you an do all of this at home to give it a try.

Both the Life Force Academy and RAMA Yoga Institute offer free trials. This is how I got my start. I HIGHLY recommend this. It has saved my life and is part of my daily practice. 

-COMMUNITY COMMUNITY COMMUNITY. If you don’t have anywhere near you, searching for groups on websites like meetup.com can even be helpful. I highly recommend things like refuge recovery, celebrate recovery, aa, na, al anon, aca, slaa, etc. if you are in recovery from an addiction or co-dependency (al anon) or recovering from growing up in an alcoholic/addicted household (ACA).

-Speaking things into existence as if they are ALREADY occurring. We must be careful with our language, we cast a spell every time we speak. If you want something, speak as if you already have it RIGHT NOW, do not say “I want” or something like “next month I’ll have x” because next month will show up and the message in the universe is still “next month”, speak it as if it is NOW. It takes a minute, but this actually does work. 

***For those who are more Biblically inclined, look to how Jesus spoke about prayer in the Book of Mark. I am obviously paraphrasing here, but when he instructed people on how to pray, he said to pray as if it has ALREADY BEEN DONE, and so it shall be.  I have done this before and WHEN I did this… I was able to quit nicotine, which is insanely hard. It does work. I would not put it in here if I hadn’t done it myself. 

-Connection is the antidote to addiction. Connection is the antidote to neurotic looping thoughts. A lot of trauma therapy is understanding our physiological responses so we stop judging and shaming ourselves and trying to smother and hide ourselves. That relieves immense pressure. Then the waters clear, and we become able to process what we have been through, and we can learn from them, and then go a step further and use them as a tool forged in the fires of our grief to help release others from their invisible prisons. This is why I advocate for any form of therapy that works for you, connection, finding a way to make utility from pain, community, and the spiritual aspect of this entire thing is incredibly important as well.

Hopefully that was helpful. 

As far as the story of when I came close to “unaliving” myself last summer, that is in the video above on transforming trauma which is also on youtube, so you can check it out there if you didn’t do it at the beginning of the article.

It is also when the song “Everyones Favorite Piece of Trash” which I have now shortened to “Everyones Favorite” was recorded in a frenzy. The song is currently available on social media platforms (youtube shorts, tiktok, IG and FB reels) so if you want to use it to tell your own story go ahead, it will be live in streaming stores like Spotify apple YouTube etc. on 6/16. 

I have enjoyed not being on social media so this is hard to do. It’s exhausting to “promote” your music constantly, it takes away energy from living in real life and also creating new shit… so forgive me if I don’t put out tons of promotional content. This is my best shot at doing that, I’m just trying to live a fulfilling life and not be having everything drained out from me by being on a phone 24/7. Also working on getting off the grid which now, finally, I am not alone in.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. LOVE STILL EXISTS. And there is great DIVINITY in this universe here still. Yes there is evil. But remember the natural law of polarity. The equal and opposite is always present. 

If you want to be connected on social media or connected to my music when it comes out, you can do so by clicking here.

Thank you and much love. BTW, let me know how you’re doing in the comments. I know A LOT of people are really going through it right now. If you’re one of them, know you are one of many.