The concept of time, words from ancient guides, and revolution IN REAL TIME:

This post was originally paywalled. I’m making it public now after feedback I received from a friend regarding something I shared. If it helps others, I will make this public. Love you. Onward:

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I am up before the alarm. I see the video:

“This 1775 bible proves we live in a lie” and I’m like…no shit.

Should I share it? Doesn’t everyone already know?

Time itself and how we relate to it, harmonizing with the rhythms of the earth, all intentionally ripped from human beings to spiritually castrate them…

The necessity of awareness of certain sciences have been corrupted to the point where many scoff at them, because why restrict you from knowledge when you can just be tricked into thinking it’s worthless?

It gets to remain right in front of our faces. If it was deliberately withheld, we’d seek.

But if we were conditioned to think it had no value… it could get as close to us as… literally looking up at the sky, around at one another, or within ourselves…and we would never notice. We were effectively catatonic.

I will share this video I came across, and then, I will share poetry from Guru Nanak, words from Seneca, and an example of spiritual evolution and revolution at this moment.

“What progress have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.”

-Seneca

We all know what it is to NOT be a friend to ones self. In most severe cases, it looks like self-abuse on the regular, with a willingness to hand over the chains around our spirit to literally anyone who will make us feel SOMETHING other than the pain of our own existence.

Why does our existence hurt?

Various reasons, but ultimately because we are rejecting the experience entirely, and when I say entirely, I mean we are rejecting ourselves and our responses right along with it.

What does it look like to begin to be a friend to ones self?

It can look many ways, I can only share what it has looked like for me in the last 24 hours, as it is most recent, and these are some significant changes:

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Something happened that I normally would have reacted in full rage toward, and I would have wanted to punish the person who caused this betrayal and pain.

Never in my life have I experienced something that hurtful and NOT done that.

Until Wednesday evening.

Maybe my first session of Neurofeedback helped this (I suspect it did) but a thought came into my head that said,

“I wonder what it would look like to NOT take out my anger on this person, and instead channel the energy another way?”

My heart was racing from adrenaline so hard at that point that it physically hurt.

Right after that thought, it was, “Well, guess I gotta find out now then.”

I put my phone down and turned on my music, started the car and began to drive.

What then happened was I was able to connect with music, even as a listener, in a way I typically always have, but have not been able to in a very long time. I felt it in my entire body and being.

I wound up “taking the long way home” for about two hours just so I could play music loud and sing along, something I used to do to regulate myself back in the day, but haven’t in quite some time.

This brought me down from a level 9 to a level 2 or 3 in regards to dysregulation.

So I move forward from that point. I talk to another person about the situation I’m in, and decide to really shut the door on all of it.

Everything tying me to said situation was removed from my phone/devices. All accounts that represent said individual/situation were blocked. There was one more step though… blocking the phone number to the facility this person is currently located at.

“Shit, I just deleted my entire message history with that person, thats where the number was that they use.”

She said,

“Just look through your call logs and you’ll find it.”

Alright.

It was already strange to not adhere to the instinct of contacting someone who betrayed you to let them know you found the fuck out, and also lash out and punish them for doing what they did.

But I realized that was demoralizing to me, and giving my own power away.

That person may or may not pretend to care or be remorseful, but they sure as shit didn’t care when I didn’t know about it, so why would that be worth anything?

It isn’t.

I went to sleep, the next morning was Thanksgiving.

I went to find the number so I could block it.

I noticed something.

Two missed calls from that number that I somehow did not see, my phone never rang or displayed those calls when they came in, but there they were in my missed call log.

The only thing i can think of is, that was God protecting me— because if I would have answered those calls, I wouldn’t have found out the truth of what I found out only 30 minutes after those calls came in.

I would have likely been put further under the spell of manipulation and pacification and I wouldn’t have followed the boiling intuition to look further into the truth.

However, seeing those missed calls threw me off. The curiosity of “what the f*ck did you have to say to me” mixed with “I want to contact that MF and tell him what I know now” were REALLY STRONG.

Then I asked myself,

“Do you want to ruin your entire day?”

Well, no.

So I did not contact that person, but holy sh*t that urge was strong. Similar to a heroin addict who has just gotten clean, that’d be like seeing a bag of dope off in the distance and contending with yourself if you should go grab it or not. That’s how that felt, that’s how much of a struggle it was, to not engage in that behavior.

Heroin ain’t the only addiction in town.

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I was shaking, but I proceeded to get myself ready. I had to leave to go to a family function in about 45 minutes, and I knew I could either show up stable and present, or show up a complete shit show and rob myself and others of authentic present connection, and bring f*cked up vibes to an otherwise good situation. I did not want to do that.

Why?
When I got a chance at a new life, I got a taste of what Destiny felt like.

Then I had the past come back, and I engaged.

Then I got a taste, a BITTER one, of what it looked like for me to turn my back on that Destiny, to be the cause of my own undoing, by engaging in the toxicity that I had run from.

TWO CHOICES:

Toxicity and familiarity, coupled with some strange subconscious feeling of control in chasing the dragon, in this sense that means dancing the dance with an abuser while under the delusion that if you can get them to change and feel sorry for what they’ve done, the wounds they caused will heal. but ONLY if they do that will the wounds heal. (This is the delusion speaking, not me right now.)

OR

Destiny and the unknown? Choosing yourself? Standing up and going forth into the light, even though you have never seen such a light in your life, and it’s terrifying?

As Seneca said about progress… it is beginning to be a friend to ones self. This would be choosing ourselves.

Fuck that nonsense in the first choice, I choose destiny. No one and no thing is worth sabotaging my entire life, or really any aspect of it. Fuck all of that nonsense I was holding onto.

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So I showed up to my family’s house. I actually had a really good time. Then I showed up to some new friends house who were doing a “friendsgiving”. I had a very good time there too. I made plans for the following morning, to go do yoga with a group of people, attending a class that one of my friends was teaching.

I was driving home and felt better than I had in weeks. I felt connection. I felt like I had chosen myself and I felt comfortable in my own skin.

Then I pulled into my driveway, and the phone rang.

It was the number I was intending on blocking, and once I saw those missed calls from it, I froze, and just dove into getting ready for T-Day and going to familys house, never blocked it.

I prayed.

Then I answered.

Normally this would sound like the beginning of an unraveling of progress, but no.

I said what I needed to say but I did not say it in anger, nor did I punish the person. I actually got to stand up for myself, and it felt really fucking good to say, I deserve better than this, there is absolutely no reason why I should have you in my life, I am moving on.

Protestations occurred on the other end. I didn’t care.

I was very clear. This is done entirely. This is why. Best of luck on your journey, but I will no longer sacrifice mine, and you cannot come with me.

That was it.

It never got hostile. The individual asked me not to block that number. But you know what? I blocked it anyway. Because I do not need to adhere to the requests of anyone, but especially someone who nearly ended my life, and especially someone whom I ALLOWED to nearly end my life, because I could have left a lot earlier if we’re being completely honest.

I have to protect my sanity, my health, my life. No one else will do it, and as we are all familiar, we live in a world that regularly throws daggers at us, so real talk… may we all choose ourselves and the protection and evolution of our spirits.

((Personal opinion: I think we all deserve to give that to ourselves. I think thats a win win situation for the whole world.))

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That was what being a friend to myself looked like.

That was the beginning.

I got to say what I felt I needed to, and I did not do it in a way that gave my power away, demoralized me, or had me acting crazy.

I got to flat out stand up for myself without the shield of rage or hysteria.

I also did not act on the urge to contact the individual prior to them contacting me — i instead chose the moment, chose my new life, and the new people in it, and was not willing to sabotage any of it by bringing that energy around.

Luckily, the call came exactly when it did, when I arrived at home and no one else was around. I got to speak my peace and my piece. Then it was done.

That shit feels good.

Now, dear friends, I will leave you with a poem from Guru Nanak. These words were spoken to me by Yogi Jai Dev a long time ago… I found them when I was clearing my phone out. I am glad I saved them. I will hold them in my heart as I go forth into my practice. I hope they bring you at the very least a smile.

Let the practice of your discipline be your furnace 

And let calmness be the goldsmith

Let the mind that knows the difference between truth and falsehood

Be the anvil

And let what you learn from your own experience 

Be the hammer 

Take your fear and use it to stoke the fires of your Sadhana

And let Love be the pot 

In which the nectar of self-awakening is poured.

-Guru Nanak