SIX MINUTES

The Shadow Side of Memento Mori...

Oh hey. Meet me at the bottom of this meme.

Hi.

I’m giving myself six minutes to write this and then whatever I write is going out.

I’m doing this because I literally only have six minutes to give to this today. That may change later, and I will likely release the podcast I’m recording with Mike Whisler tonight on the division between men, women, and gender roles to paid subscribers on an early bird (and unedited) deal, but this will go out to everyone. 

The shadow side of Memento Mori. 

Ive thought about this a lot. 

It looks like this. 

It looks like being so aware that you have so little time, that you actually end up squandering the time you have because you are always RACING and rushing to get shit done. You are so fixated and focused on what you can leave behind, and what you can to do in a way avenge the ones you have lost to death, and also in some strange way avenge yourself, but before you die - just to make sure that your life and all the shit you’ve been though hasn’t been in vain. 

This can be the motivator that many people need but for me it’s getting to be a bit much. 

The reason for this is I’m discovering how much time I truly do not have for the people in the here and now. 

I remember listening to Remington Donovan talking about the energy of this 7 year we are in, and warning us to take care of ourselves, emphasizing what I’ve always thought tone common sense as, “you can’t help anyone else if you haven’t first helped yourself.” 

I thought that was common sense, but in the 12 step program I’m in, not so much. 

On one hand they do say that, but on the other, the solution to most of your problems (according to that dogma) is to get out of yourself and help others. 

This is true for much of the time and for many people, due to our inclination toward self-centeredness. 

However, sometimes we are in the situation we’re in because we haven’t taken the time to slow down and show up for ourselves. 

So I’m experiencing that right now. I sponsor a few women in recovery, and last week I had two newcomers ask me to sponsor them. I did not think I was in a position to say no, so I said yes. Without even thinking about it. 

Shortly after, I was like FUCK. 

I do not have time to do this. 

I only have one other sponsee, so having three sponsees doesn’t sound like that much to me. I remember when I was in school full time, working part time, doing an internship, had a boyfriend (yes they take up time), doing jiu jitsu, and sponsoring five women, plus going to meetings and had a service position. 

How the fuck was I doing all of that?

I don’t know, but for some reason, nowadays, things feel different. Time feels different, I seem to lose it and it goes by way too fucking fast. 

The demands are different too. 

I don’t know if this is making shit for sense, truly. 

But the urge to have to complete “x” which for me would be the album, or things like podcasts, writing, changing the course of the runaway train that is society if I can help it, the list goes on—  has gone from motivation, to a force so consuming that one can start to feel extremely defensive and stingy with their time. 

It’s about wanting to honor the friends of mine that have died, and wanting to honor the fact that for some reason I’m still here, so if I am alive, I better make this shit count, and I better use it to actually help people. The only thing worse than death is a failed life.

Death actually isn’t that bad at all, it’s just a graduation. 

This can be a great motivator, but if it goes too far, it will make you crazy.

You are so focused on what you are creating and so focused on the future, and even focused on how you’ll feel about how you lived after you yourself die, that you forget to live in the now. Which defeats the entire fucking purpose! Funny how that works. 

The times we live in are strange, too. We never know when shits about to go full tilt tyranny. Things are so expensive that you need multiple jobs to scrape by, the days of being able to survive with one job are long gone. 

So that may be a contributing factor, the fact that we’re all in “survival mode” but we call it adapting or “the way things are”. Survival mode is a form of adaptation, but our bodies are not meant to be in that space for long. 

Going into survival mode is meant to get you out of immediate danger, but remaining in such a heightened hyper-vigilant state has deteriorative effects on the mind, brain, body and emotions. 

So what do you do? What do you do when you don’t know where the time is going, when you can’t keep up, when you have “so much to do” and you’re doing it all on your own, to the detriment of what is literally most important - the relationships and experiences in this life that we have in the NOW? 

Not to say that the impact we leave on this planet and the legacies we create are not important, they absolutely are. But there has to be some middle ground between fostering and creating the two - a fruitful present and an abundant future and legacy. 

It’s a red flag for me when I feel like I don’t have the time to show up for three different women who are beginning their sobriety journey. That is what really got my attention today. Something about that does not feel right to me. 

There’s my rant, at this point I’d love to hear what you guys do in the comments, I know I’d find it helpful. 

All I know, is when I feel this overwhelmed, I need to stop. So my phone is now on airplane mode, and I’m going to spend the next hour in silence doing meditation, yoga, walking, and slowing down my thoughts. Then I will re-start my day. 

The shadow side of memento mori can be this: 

One is so fixated on things they have to get done in this life and so fixated on the lack of time they have, they become unavailable for the present moment, which sort of defeats the purpose. 

There’s my summary. Do I have a solution? No, not other than what I just wrote. But I will pray for further guidance. 

The universe tends to listen when you humble yourself to the extent of saying something like “wow, time flies when you have no idea what the fuck is going on. I sorta need help here. Actually yeah, I for sure do.” 

The end! 

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