Grief is Love: A Call to Humanity for Healing

Don’t make this mistake. Instead, find your elevation here. As a human family, we are running out of time.

When your heart breaks, allow it to break open. That’s how the Light gets in…

We’ve got to get our shit together, individually and collectively. Everyone knows whats coming down the pipeline, round two. 

Our healing is called for now more than ever, so if you are reading, please know that these words are written FOR YOU. Please know how important and needed you are. You are on assignment here, whether you believe in that or not.

Let’s get into this. 

That person. That opportunity. The family. The home. 

We get used to people. We get used to our lives. You can become desensitized to anything, but Love requires us to maintain the dignity of our humanness, which includes our sensitivity. 

We see this desensitization in our world today (hello tyranny and propaganda) and one wonders, how could people allow this? 20 years ago, the shit we see in our world today would be unthinkable without immediate revolution. But today? 

It’s the “New Normal”. 

How does that happen? Repetition. Slow, gradual, consistent increases, plus repetition. 

I won’t go off about global tyranny right now, because I don’t think any of that can be be solved by us currently, if we all still carry such deep wounds and traumas that we can’t maintain relationships if our lives depended on it (and they do). 

We get used to “things” and even people because of our non-stop society of stimulation, instant gratification, consumption, and constant bombardment of “content”. Our brains are shot out and we can’t hold our attention.

This is one of griefs greatest lessons and tragedies:

Often when we lose someone, whether by a physical death or a loss of relationship, we realize we did not spend our time with that person the way we would have liked to. 

You could let this crush you or you could let it elevate you.

It will not elevate you immediately, it’s necessary to process the pain, or it compounds and turns you into someone you don’t recognize in the mirror. Speaking from experience. 

When my former fiancé died, I thought half my soul had been ripped out of my body. I had been through many deaths at that point, but nothing like the death of someone you spent a third of your life with, even if you weren’t together at the time of death. Some energetic ties and connections we make in this life can go unnoticed because we are no longer with that person, but when they leave the earth, you realize there is so much more than our mind picks up on, and you absolutely were still connected to that person. It doesn’t have to be in a romantic way, it just simply IS. It is a connection that we share with another human being when we live our lives side by side with them.

I had lost several people I loved dearly before he died.  Most of the closest friends I’ve had in life are dead. I am no stranger to death. 

I bring up his death because of a decision I made when it happened. This was by far the most brutal experience I had with grief, but when he died, I made the conscious decision to open myself fully to the grief process, and to not resist, distract, numb or bury any of it. I made the willing choice to get completely thrashed by the tsunami I knew was on its way. 

And I did. 

I barely remember the months after his death. Some stuff I won’t disclose, but I made the choice to feel all of it. That’s why I’m telling you this, so I can now tell you: 

Even though feeling that pain was one of the worst things I have felt, and by far one of the most out-of-body experiences I’ve had (perpetually—for three months), it changed me in ways I would never take back. That pain was worth it. It permanently changed my outlook on life and how I live it. It made me value others a lot more. 

New people come into your life and you fall in love again, even when you were convinced you never would love again. 

This time, it is so much different. You know death. You know impermanence. You know that both of you have an expiration date. You know what it is like to lose someone entirely. You know how rare love is. You know how much you fall apart when you feel the grief of its absence. 

So you take shit a lot more seriously. You also don’t give up on people so easily either, especially when you realize how RARE it is to find connection on a soul level in this day and age. 

However, we are all human, and even with experiencing so much death, sometimes we get so blinded by our own traumas, fears, and hurts, and some of those may be very valid. Nevertheless, all the wisdom we’ve learned from death, the wisdom in the teaching of Memento Mori, can go straight out the window. 

Why?

WE ALL HAVE A WAR INSIDE OF US.

It is a sliding scale in regards to how much we have processed and integrated it, versus how much we are completely owned by it, to where we don’t even realize that WE are not that war, it just happens to be inside of us. 

I remember being like that. I thought the war within was just who I was, and that I’d never change. I didn’t want to change. Who was I without my rage?

“What an irresponsible thing, to live without this rage and this guard and this willingness to fight at the drop of a dime— don’t people understand how insane this world is? If I drop my rage and anger, I’ll be taken advantage of and possibly die.”

That is what I believed, for years. When I say years, I’m talking about YEARS into my sobriety. While in therapy. While working the steps. While doing “all the right things”. It still took years for me to realize the armor I wore was destroying me, destroying my relationships, destroying my life, and once I went to try and take it off, I realized I didn’t know how. 

I hit a huge bottom around this shit I wanna say year 5-6 of sobriety. I ruined a relationship I was in solely because of how explosively angry I was. I then realized that not only was the failing of that relationship entirely my fault, (which I had never done before, I was really good at blaming other people for my reactions) but I also realized I had been doing this most of my life. 

Someone would step on one of my landmines. I’d then react with massive rage, and then blame them and expect them to “accept it” and “understand me” because “if you knew what happened to me and what I’ve been through and what that does to me, you wouldn’t do it”. What? 

In short: I was punishing people who didn’t cause the trauma, FOR the trauma. And I did this in almost every relationship. 

Luckily I learned from that, but it was one of the most BRUTAL lessons I’ve had to learn, because of how emotionally agonizing it was. To lose someone suddenly and experience grief is already bad enough, but to know that it is entirely your fault? HOLY SHIT. NO. But at the same time, YES. Because when I realized it, I began to change. Then my entire life followed suit.

Death and loss teach us more about life than anything else. We often behave as if we’ll always have a next time. We often behave as if this interaction with this person won’t be our last. Absolutely NOTHING confirms this belief, and it is this belief that enables careless and unconscious behavior.  

Love is the greatest thing in existence. It is the highest frequency I have ever felt. It comes in many forms. But it is not so easy to become a channel and instrument of Love when you hate yourself, or are at war with yourself. 

This needs to be said because everyone on this planet, to some degree, struggles with this. Most of us struggle with it on a very extreme level, some hide it better than others, but where does it show up the most?

With the people that we care about the most. 

How could we ever accept love if we hate ourselves? The inner tyrant will not allow it. So we destroy each other… with the best of intentions. 

Hope is not lost. 

The truth shall set you free. The truth I am speaking of is the ROOT of what drives our rage, addictions, avoidance, destruction, anger, anxieties, sabotage, envy, jealousy, literally everything we deem as a character defect or a coping mechanism. It might be slightly different for each person, but there is always a truth. 

We have to take the mask off. Once we do this, the things that were one demons will bow at your feet and then vanish. You don’t even have to let go of it, it will release its hold on you. 

It requires hitting a bottom, being destroyed, being grief stricken and heartbroken, and then somehow, some way, having the strength and courage (even if you’ve never felt weaker in your life) to ask God to enter you through all your broken places.

To ask the Light and Love to enter you through every fracture of what was once the ego.

To sit in that place and get honest with yourself and another and find out WHY you do what you do that causes so much suffering to yourself and those around you. 

I would never write this if I hadn’t done this myself ten times over.

More than “ten times over” actually. It’s a process, it’s never a one and done. We are never “done”, not even in death. 

Death is a graduation. Life is fucking hard. But we came here for a reason.

Now more than ever, the cosmos and all its beings are screaming at us to have the courage to heal and face our shadows so Love can reign supreme on this earth again. It’s so much bigger than any one of us, but by paradox, it NEEDS every one of us to show up and do this shit. 

That means me. That means you. That means that motherfucker down the street too. 

But the only one we have control over is ourselves, we never have the right to tell anyone what they should do. All of this must be done with free will.

That is what makes people so unbelievably remarkable, to decide on their own will to humble themselves, speak the truth and heal wounds they have caused— even when they themselves are broken.

And that is also what is most tragic about us humans, the incessant compulsive free will choices that only wind up destroying the person, their lives, and those in them. 

So, grief..,

If you have people in your life that you love, please… stay in the moment with them. When we get out of the moment, we lose gratitude, we lose curiosity, we become a prey to all of the things that bring us down. 

You never know when the last time will be that you see or talk to someone, even that person that you can’t fathom living without. There WILL be a last time. Nothing in this world is permanent. 

If we remember this, instead of getting desensitized to our loved ones and losing our love and appreciation for them because we are so used to them always being around, not only are our lives better, but we don’t have those haunting life-long regrets when they leave. 

There’s a time limit to everything. Including the way all of us think our lives are going right now. The stakes are raised, and if you’re someone capable of pattern recognition, you know the changes of shit hitting the fan again are HIGH, and that it’s likely to happen in the next few months. WE NEED TEAM PEOPLE TO HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER. I say this with love.

Don’t make the mistake of letting gifts from God pass you by. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you aren’t one of those gifts as well, because you are. Hone yourself - be present and sharpen yourself as a sword - make yourself an asset, not a liability.

I have regrets from some people who have died. I wish I would have gotten Kaitlyn in the studio and recorded vocals with her. She always wanted to. I was so caught up in my own life and my own dramas, I never did it, and then she was gone.

I regretted not being a better friend to Cory. I was caught up, again, in my own life and my own dramas, and I drifted away from someone who I got sober with and was one of my best friends. Then he died. I made amends to him at his gravesite. I will never forget that experience.

These things teach us shit. The majority of the stuff we become so fucking consumed with means NOTHING. And the people who are in front of us that we often take for granted, mean EVERYTHING.

I guess none of this can be done if we can’t be present with ourselves, so that has to come first. But also… don’t think that you have to be some flawless finished product before you start taking chances in life and opening your heart. That is bullshit.

Some lessons and demons can only be learned and worked through IN relationship. By contrast, if you are too much at war, and abandon your own battlefield because you get caught up with someone else, that war will follow you and destroy the both of you. So with all things on this polarity planet, balance is everything.